But technically it’s not prostitution, on account of the motivation being anxiety instead of profit. Case dismissed.

A series of texts I sent to an attorney friend who hired me for a mobile notary assignment:

Notarization complete! The total for the notary service is $32, but the client’s condo was slightly warmer than I prefer, so you owe me an additional $10,000 in workman’s comp and emotional damages. Thanks!

Oh, also, the client had a friend visiting, and I get nervous around strangers, so I gave everyone handy-jays. I know, I know, “old behavior,” but still a viable business expense.

You know what? Instead of me trying to do math, why don’t you just send me a blank check? Or a credit card! (But NOT Diner’s Club. I have standards.)

He hasn’t responded, but I’m sure we possibly still have a healthy working relationship.

ETA: He just wrote back all skeptical, like, “Are you sure you gave everyone a handy?” Well, of course I did, but want to know who won’t be getting the steak-and-shake special? People who doubt my professionalism and attention to detail, that’s who.

This is seriously why most mobile notaries don’t even bother having pimps.

Author: Thumper

Thumper (Horkos) Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, a Discordian Episkopos, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public. View all posts by Thumper