“Hypothetically, if I just put a Tide Pod in the dishwasher… is that bad?”

“Will you make out in front of me while I eat this cheeseburger? I want to test something.”

“If his bulge were any bigger, there’d be a battle on it.”

“Do it do it do it you’re a coward if you don’t do it.”

“They made someone a table. I coulda been a table.”

“I’m not Jesus, boo boo. I’ll throw a stone in your face.”

“You’re a judgernaut. That’s your X-Man power.”

“You can live monogamously through me.”


“You bottom once a decade? What are you, a comet?”

“I was the most precious thing under that bridge.”

“That’s some throat integrity I don’t have anymore.”

“It’s not a relapse if it’s a suppository.”

“Get you a man who looks at you the way Noah looks at himself.”

“We need to talk about how some things should be inside thoughts.”

“I love myself. I love it when people talk about me. It’s my favorite thing.”

“Other Misfits have attitudes of 10, but this one goes to 11.”

“I’ve survived every other drink I’ve stolen. I’ll survive this one too.”

“It shows he’s thinkingish. That’s a new term. I’m trademarking it. Thinkingish.”

“It’s not prostitution if I do it for love instead of food.”

“Everything jiggles. It’s part of my charm.”

“We’re cultured. We know things.”

“Don’t make me smack you around like a straight boy.”

“You should look at him seductively while snipping the head off a quail.”

“We only have pineapple. But it tastes like watermelon if you’re high enough.”

“That’s what she said! Or he said. Whatever. Somebody said it.”

“It’s cool. My earrings are red, so they’ll hide the blood.”

“Antisocial is still social.”

“I don’t have the good Nasty Pig. I have Disgruntled Pig.”

“I’m slurring my peaches?”

“I’m going to have to get Plan B for my sheets.”

“Hashtag AM NOT.”

“You were my first armpit.”

“I’ve got pledge juice all over me.”

“A suckling pig says what?”

“I can type 60 words per minute, and I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.”

“If I don’t need therapy afterwards, you didn’t do it right.”

“Your throat is my happy place.”

“It’s as dead as my future in here.”

“I make my own proprietary blend out of Preparation H and Alocane.”

“There’s vigorous jiggling of my nethers going on.”

“But you know what’s bigger than his dick? His heart.”

“Is this how rabbits flag?”

“If you get Sharpie on your skin, it comes off with alcohol.” “So do my clothes.”

“Leather kilts are the poodle skirts of 2017.”

“Braveheart was Scottish, you Philistine.”

“So help me Lucifer…”

“You get a fist! And you get a fist! And you get a fist! I’m like the Oprah of fisting.”

“I really can’t make a sandwich with my hand over my heart.”

“A serving is one box. I don’t care what it says on the back.”

“I believe I ran out of an eighth-grade dance crying to this song.”

“Is this my mid-life crisis? This is my mid-life crisis, isn’t it?”

“You are NOT ugly. I don’t get naked with ugly.”

He’s speaking in cursive.”

“I’m going to sing ‘Something in Red’ and then prolapse.”

“I need one of those gynecological spoons.”

“I forgot I didn’t have pockets and put my phone in my ass.”

“I need more hands. Like Shiva.”

“I know he knows my name, because it’s on the restraining order.”

“I am Gloria Fucking Swanson, and don’t you forget it.”