We probably should’ve sung it backwards, just to fully confirm that we’re going to hell.

During a moment of downtime on the last day of GLUE, I found myself in the host hotel’s hospitality suite, lounging about with Ben, Dirk Caber (who’d agreed to be our emcee this year), and Taliesin Wolf (who’d come down to judge the Mr. Third Coast Leather contest). I’m not sure exactly how we got on the subject, but as we were chatting, somebody mentioned Anglicanism, and after comparing notes, we discovered that Dirk, Talie and I had all been raised in the Episcopal Church.

Thing is, when cradle Episcopalians get together, no matter what their current religious convictions or career paths happen to be, they immediately start debating the merits of the Rite 1 vs. Rite 2 Eucharists. We were embroiled in the traditional discourse before we knew it, with Dirk pointing out that in addition to its old-timey language, Rite 1 includes more music. To exemplify, he began singing: Specifically, he began singing the Lord’s Prayer.

Dirk: [in a lovely baritone] “OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME…”

Me: [suddenly remembering the melody] “THY KINGDOM COME, THY WILL BE DONE…”

Dirk and I stopped for a second and looked at Taliesin.

Talie: [a tenor] “ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.”

Me, Dirk, and Talie: [in unison] “GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD, AND FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES…”

Ben: “…”

Me, Dirk and Talie: “AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US. AND LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION…”

Ben: “

Me, Dirk and Talie: “BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL. FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM…”

Me: “AND THE POWER.”

Talie: “AND THE GLORY.”

Dirk: “FOR EVER AND EVER.”

Me, Dirk and Talie: “AMENNNN.”

Ben: “I… I don’t understand why this is happening to me…”

And that’s the story of how a couple of adult entertainers and I broke my Jewish boyfriend with Gregorian plainchant. Der Suf.

PS: We went to a karaoke bar later that evening, where Ben obliterated the rest of us with his choreographed renditions of “Poor Unfortunate Souls” and “I’m Still Here.”

IMG_2019-10-14_00-15-51
One two kick turn, heel toe kick turn.

He is a keeper. And one of the Chosen. Win/win.

Uncut and Paste

I was officially in charge of GLUE Weekend this year, and against all odds, I didn’t die or murder anyone! I’m calling it a victory. And even though I spent three days battling anxiety attacks while managing crises and bossing the Misfits around, I still found time (like I do every year) to record the bizarre and amusing statements I overheard throughout the event. Thus, I am proud to present a carefully curated list of…

SHIT PEOPLE SAY DURING GLUE WEEKEND
2019 EDITION

“I’m not a Muppet. You’re a Muppet, you Muppet.”

“We got the Leaning Tower of Depression back to his room.”

“Wait… what’s my boyfriend’s name?”

“NON-BINARY, BITCH.”

“We put the devil back in vaudeville.”

“God you’re hot when you’re apathetic.”

“Suck my gray nutrient paste, daddy.”

“You look like death coming to claim souls.” “Then it’s working.”

“I’m already a slut. Don’t get me drunk.”

“I’ll give you my sandwich for your dick.”

“They should rename I-69 We-69.”

“If you can’t get the straw into the Capri Sun, then you’re not as vers as you think you are.”

“I heard ‘zoo,’ and then I heard ‘gaping anus.’ What are we talking about?”

“Because fashion, Brenda. Look it up.”

“There are a lot of choices going on here, and I’m not sure they’re the right ones.”

“Now that no one’s squirting water in their butt in our bathroom, I’m going to go pee.”

“Get in, loser. We’re going whoring.”

“Am I molesting the right leg back there?”

“I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire of some angry, resentful cum war.”

“I’m like your first black friend, aren’t I?”

“That stopped being sexy the moment it started.”

“If that cake could talk, it would be like, ‘Of course I’m cake, human.'”

“Have fun storming the asshole.”

The English translation is, “You have an unusually hairy chest, madam.” I probably should’ve left that one in context.

Another GLUE Weekend has come and gone, but it left in its wake a multitude of random conversational snippets, which I have lovingly gathered, spit-polished, and set on display for the world to read. Fasten your safety belts, my loyal Marjorettes, because it’s finally time for…

SHIT PEOPLE SAY DURING GLUE WEEKEND
2018 EDITION

“It’s the ones you don’t hear coming… until it’s in your eyes.”

“I’m putting out firecrotches.”

“Is mixing Nike and Adidas like mixing polka-dots and plaids?”

“‘Deer in Headlights’ looks well on you.”

“Like you’ve never seen brothers make out before.”

“I’M NOT WEARING PANTS, BITCH.”

Dirk Caber molested me. If I die tonight, I die happy.”

“I don’t want to know your name. Put something in my mouth.”

“I have had way, way, WAY too many conversations about meat trays.”

“I put out the Do Not Not Disturb sign, because I don’t want the maid to have to deal with those sheets.”

“Ihre brust ist ungewöhnlich behaart, gnädige Frau.”

“Yeah, you like it, hamster-pig.”

“Walk into the room paddle first.”

“That sounds like a soap opera. Or a Cher movie.”

“IML is not backlit.”

“If I take off anything else, it’ll be a felony.”

“Your hair is so pretty. I just want to scalp you and hang it on my wall.”

“I can punch you in the balls if it’ll make you feel better.”

“Leather moved in, kaftans moved out.”

“That’s the cutest picture! I don’t even feel violated.”

“Are those poppers organic?”

“He’s Dr. Jekyll and Fister Hyde.”

“No, YOU suck my banana.”

“Just because you’re riding it doesn’t make you a top.”

“We appreciate that you wore your special pee-on shoes just for us.”

“Go have your midlife crisis in someone else’s room.”

“She died doing what she loved: making everyone uncomfortable.”

“This is the best GLUE ever.” “Me too.”

Sticking to the Script

Every October, the Misfits put on a fundraising event called GLUE Weekend — three differently-sane days of contests, parties, auctions, and generalized debauchery. I usually spend most of GLUE running around like a crazy person and doing my best to minimize assorted gay leather crises, but I always take some time to write down any pause-worthy comments I overhear and then share them without context. With that in mind, it gives me great pleasure to announce the definitive 2017 list of…

SHIT PEOPLE SAY DURING GLUE WEEKEND

“I need to order catsuits tonight.”

“I like him better when his mouth is preoccupied.”

“They’re being mean to my nipples.”

“Do we need to trade that cocktail for a bowl of milk?”

“We’re going to have amazing abs after holding our guts in for three days.”

“He said ‘deep in the throat of Texas,’ and I almost fainted.”

“Have fun fisting or whatever.”

“I know what you mean, but you’re not peeing in my shoe.”

“You need to put a silencer on that tongue.”

“Remember the time security burst into your room at Club Houston?”

“I can’t believe we did it right in front of the bratwurst stand.”

“So we were talking about broken penises…”

“I’m looking at your eyes, but I can still see your legs.”

“Rainbow Bronies! RAINBRONIES!!!”

“My knees are together. I’m off duty.”

“Those are gold… lamé… leather… pants.”

“Look! I can make my sporran jump!”

“Little queen, I know you jerk off to Buck Angel porn, so swallow my load.”

“It’s analog Scruff.”

“That’s like if your tastes and my tastes got drunk and had a baby.”

“Dude. You have boob sweat.”

“I’m having more fun this year. Probably because I stopped smoking pot and remember it.”

“I grew into my butt hair.”

“We’re all trying to be butch, but then Erasure comes on.”

“If I’m the one holding your hair, there is a problem.”

“Not even with Rick Perry’s dick.”