I Am Not The Mo You’re Looking For

Customer: “Are you the leather repair guy?”

Me: “That would be Rok — he’s one of the owners, and he works out of our main store during the week.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve got a leather jacket with a tear in the sleeve.”

Me: “I’m sure Rok can take care of that. Here’s a card with the store’s contact info, if you’d like to give him a call…”

Customer: “It’s a $500 jacket. I got it in Daytona during Bike Week. And see, I was walking along, and it got caught on a signpost and tore right up the side.”

Me: “That is unfortunate, but Rok can definitely fix it. If you’ll just call the number on the card…”

Customer: “I gave my number to the guy working in the big store the other day, and he said he’d have the leather repair guy call me. Was that Rok? Blonde hair, about yea tall?”

Me: “That was Nuke, but since you gave him your number, he’ll pass it on to Rok and have him call you to schedule the work.”

Customer: “But how will I know if he calls? I normally don’t answer the phone, on account of the creditors.”

Me: “You… can compare the number on your caller ID to the number on this card, and if it’s the same, you’ll know it’s Rok calling about your jacket.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “OH! Okay! I’ll do that!”

I wanted to tell him to think about paying off some debt before spending any money on leather refurbishment, but I figured that would necessitate way more ellipses than I typically keep on my person.

Do I get a tiara? Because I’m not lifting a goddamned finger without a tiara.

The Misfits are having their monthly business meeting.

President: “So now we need to elect a run captain for GLUE Weekend. This person will be responsible for overseeing the various committees and–”

Everyone Else: “THOMAS.”

President: “Okay, we’ve got a nomination. Does anyone second the–”

Everyone Else: “SECOND.”

President: “All in f–”

Everyone Else: “AYE.”

The Misfits pivot as one to bask in the radiant authority of the chosen sacrifice. In the distance, a wolf howls.

Me: “Balls.”


Looks like it’s time to up the psych meds and I guess buy a planner or something. Pray for me.

PS: I am deadly serious about the fucking tiara.

In Which I Had to Promise Not to Execute Any More Heretics

[A tangential conversation between myself and my sponsor, which occurred while we were working on a Fourth Step.]

Sponsor: “I’ve been to three yoga classes in the past two days.”

Me: “Just out of curiosity, have you ever looked into yoga teaching certification?”

Sponsor: “I have, and I’ve figured out how much money I would need in the bank in order to quit my job and pursue it.”

Me: “You’ve really thought this through, huh?”

Sponsor: “Yup. My dream is to wake up every day and just do yoga and go fishing.”

Me: “Hmmm. Maybe I should quit my job and follow my dreams, too.”

Sponsor: “What, like starting your own Pagan religion?”

Me: “Oh, that’s already on my ‘Harms Done’ list.”

Sponsor: “…”

And then I told him about the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult, and he stopped blinking for like five minutes. Considering he knows more about me than my parents, my ex, and the Misfits combined, the fact that I’m still able to render him speechless is pretty impressive.

Body Dysmorphia for Pity and Profit

My regular Sunday shift was crazy slow because of the Super Bowl, so Carlisle and I spent most of it lounging about and instructing Scrappy on the rules of gin rummy. Eventually, though, a pair of customers traipsed in, one of whom muttered, “We have got to stop shopping when we’re drunk.”

Momentarily blinded by Tex Avery dollar signs, I turned towards the approximate direction of their voices and asked how I might be of service.

Customer 1: “I like this shirt. Do you have it in a fat size?”

Me: “Well, I’ve got an extra large–”

Customer 1: “Not that fat.”

Me: “… and a large.”

Customer 1: “Ugh. I’ll never fit in a large.”

Scrappy: “Why not? It’s very slimming.”

[awkward silence]

And here’s where our Scrappy learned an important lesson about interpersonal communication in the gay community. When a gay man calls himself fat, he is not making an objective statement, but rather trolling for flattery. Ergo, the response he expects is vehement denial (“OMG, you are so not fat! You are as svelte as the wily ferret, you 90-pound supermodel, you!”), not cheerful agreement.

A few seconds ticked by, and then Customer 1 begrudgingly decided to try on the large and closed himself in the dressing room.

Customer 1: [yelling from behind the curtains] “IT FITS, BUT IT’S CUPPING MY ROLLS.”

Scrappy: [yelling back] “IT’S SUPPOSED TO CUP YOUR ROLLS.”


Meanwhile, Customer 2 had his eye on a particular harness, but, while built like a fireplug, with the chest and shoulders of an MMA fighter, he was adamant that he would only fit into an extra small. So I had him raise his arms and attempted to slide one onto him. I got the harness down to his armpits before it welded to his skin and refused to budge. With his arms squeezed together in the air and his face mashed by a shoulder strap, he looked, for all intents and purposes, like a cat stuck in ductwork.

Me: “Want to maybe try a medium?”

Customer 2: [unable to speak without chewing himself free; opting to nod instead]

Good kitty.

Customer 1 ended up buying the large shirt after all, and he even wore it out into the bar, where it fit him well and cupped nothing untowardly. And Customer 2 came away with the knowledge that leather is sized differently than regular clothing, so even if he has to wear a medium to accommodate his muscle development, he can still identify as petite.

And a few minutes later, I got cocky about my mad gin rummy skills, at which point Scrappy knocked and kicked my ass. It was a good night for teachable moments all around.

Reinventing the Wheel (of the Year)

How to become the undisputed leader of a polytheistic religion in five easy steps:

1. Pick an obscure, ancient, Near Eastern or Indo-European culture, preferably one with an unknown and/or untranslated language.

2. Read a couple of books on the subject.

3. Double-check to make sure no one else has already established a Reconstructionist tradition based on the religious practices of the same culture. If such a tradition already exists, reach out to the adherents, so that you may learn from each other and enjoy fellowship and symbiotic spiritual growth.

3. Write your own book, the introduction of which must begin with “Never before…” and end with “Forgotten… until now.”

4. Create a Facebook page.

5. Destroy all who oppose you, with self-righteousness and unverifiable personal gnosis as your gleaming sword and shield.

As you may have surmised, there was an incident on the Internet, and I’m having feelings about it. I’m not going to name names or point fingers, because I’m passive-aggressive. I will however, make up a fictional recon trad and use that as the context for an actual online conversation.

Polytheistic Author/Diva/Guru: “Good morning! I’ve uploaded a calendar of the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult ritual cycle. Of course, we do not know if the Cult had a formalized ritual cycle, since the Proto-Lithuanian language has never been translated, so I’ve reworked their seasonal celebrations to align with the standard Pagan holidays.”

Group Member: “I appreciate you sharing this! I came up with something very similar when I was working on my dissertation in Proto-Lithuanian Studies, and it looks like our calendars are remarkably compatible. I do have one question, though — what led you to match the Festival of the Gelded Serpent Pony with the Fall Equinox? I ask, because back when I was collaborating on the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult Archeological Almanac, we determined that the annual stallion castrations in pre-Christian Baltic territories took place in early Spring, so I’m wondering if we missed something in our research. Thanks in advance for any clarification you can provide!”

PA/D/G: “Look, I tolerate polite dissent, but personal experience is always more valid than what any ‘academic’ has to say.”

GM: “But I didn’t… I only meant… right, then. I think I’ll just quietly unsubscribe and go play on Twitter.”

And then she left the group, and I snuck out behind her.

Drunken, Wiccan Pit Bull Me would’ve lost his shit over the whole thing and thrown a few uncalled-for punches before flouncing out the door. But I’m older and wiser calmer now, and I understand that snarling at some swollen-headed douche-nozzle isn’t going to change anyone’s mind or make any kind of real difference. Instead, I choose to focus on gratitude over resentment. For example, I am grateful for the members of a different virtual forum, whose conversations go something like this:

New Group Member: “Hello! Can anyone recommend an introductory book on the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult?”

Group Owner: “Sure! There are a lot of good resources out there, but I suggest starting with either The Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult Definitely Had a Formalized Ritual Cycle and This Is It, or The Proto-Lithuanian Language Is Really Easy to Translate, on Account of It’s Basically Just Prussian with Three Extra Vowels. I hope this helps!”

It does help, Mr. Welcoming and Accessible Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult Reconstruction Guy. Mightily does it help indeed.

Say It With Corsets

Straight Girl: “Oh my God, this place smells so good.”

Gay Best Friend: [to me] “It’s her first time in a leather bar.”

Straight Girl: “I LOVE THAT MERRY WIDOW. Birthday. October.” [She marches out of the store.]

Gay Best Friend: “…”

[Ed. Note: Although he said nothing verbally, the look on his face read, “I have no idea which garment she was pointing at, I am not entirely sure I know what a merry widow actually is, and even if I did, I could’ve sworn her birthday was in December.”]

Me: “We also sell gift cards.”

Gay Best Friend: “Oh, thank you.”

Another common law marriage saved. I should really start billing for partnership counseling.

That Was the Theme of My Heroin

The best part about eating out with sober friends is that we’re rowdy and raucous and remorselessly unfiltered (the result of too many searching/fearless moral inventories), which causes other restaurant patrons to assume we’re drunk. That is, until they glance over judgmentally and realize we’re all drinking water. And then they get very confused. And that brings me joy.

Such was the case when a group of us descended upon a local café to feast upon unspeakably good pizza and make the other diners uncomfortable. My buddy B. and I had just finished loudly debating which one of us has the most Machiavellian mother (he won), when F. launched into a detailed description of the colorful patients she encounters at the rehab where she facilitates weekly support meetings.

“The heroin addicts are kind of a challenge,” she admitted. “It’s almost as if they’re daring everyone else to be more addicted to something than they are. It’s like, ‘My drug of choice was… heroin.’” She glared defiantly for effect. “Like that.”

The way she said “… heroin” got stuck in my head like a bad pop song, and now I want to throw it into casual conversations (even more so than I already do), similar to the classic “that’s what she said,” or how my friend K. likes to respond to random observations with, “That was the theme of my prom.” For example:

“The weatherman said to expect freezing rain.”

“That was the theme of my prom.”

“I was so sad when The Vampire Diaries got cancelled.”

“That was the theme of my prom.”

“What do you think? Bangs or no bangs?”

“That was the theme of my prom.”

So yeah, I basically want to do the same thing, except with “… heroin.” Granted, I never went chasing the dragon myself, but I’m a big fan of bewilderment in any form, and I’d really like to see this turn into a cultural meme:

“I think my antihistamines are wearing off.”

“Really? Because I think my… heroin is wearing off.”

“I couldn’t find my car keys this morning.”

That’s weird, because I couldn’t find my… heroin this morning.

“Would you like to sample an appetizer?”

“No, thank you. Would you like to sample… heroin?”

I ran the concept by a co-worker, who smiled sadly and left the room, so I’m starting to suspect this is one of those times where nobody thinks I’m funny but me. But you know what? I’m completely okay with that. If no one laughs when I say “… heroin,” I’ll just do what I always do in awkward social situations and scream, “I’M IN RECOVERY” until people give up and pity me. As professional alcoholic W. C. Fields once quipped, “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshitheroin.” And that, gentle readers, was the theme of my prom.