And by that, I mean I am “deeply skeptical” about his “alleged sexual orientation.” Thank God for air quotes.

Customer: [arms spread wide] “You took care of me.” Me: “I did?” Customer: “Yes! I bought all the leather I’m wearing at your main store.” Me: “Ah, I see. Great! I’m glad we could help.” Customer: “So, what do you have that’s new?” Me: “When were you last here?” Customer: “Yesterday, when I bought all … Continue reading “And by that, I mean I am “deeply skeptical” about his “alleged sexual orientation.” Thank God for air quotes.”

Building Barns from Bottom to Top

Customer: “Hello! I’d like a bottle of poppers, please.” Me: “Well, we don’t sell poppers, but we do carry a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Customer: “Oh. That’s right! I forgot. Okay. Um… I would like… a bottle of… furniture cleaner?” The moral of this story is that if I ever start my … Continue reading “Building Barns from Bottom to Top”

The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.

Customer 1: “Here are all the poppers.” Customer 2: “We’re not supposed to call them poppers.” Customer 1: “Oh, right. Here are all the sniffles.” Customer 2: “…” Customer 1: “Would you care for some sniffles?” While I’m always amused by creative euphemisms for solvents, “Sniffles” sounds like an over-the-counter sinus spray for kids. Their … Continue reading “The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.”

Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora

[An online conversation between myself and Nuke.] Nuke: “So we’re going to have to recant all of our artisanal solvent jokes, because we start stocking them tomorrow.” Me: “Awesome. Whenever someone asks me which brand I prefer, I’m going to say, ‘You probably haven’t heard of it.’ “We’re carrying their eucalyptus-peppermint blend.” Me: “…” Nuke: … Continue reading “Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora”

Putting the Asses in Criminal Assessment

Straight Girl: [to her friend] “FUCK HIM. I AM A GROWN-ASS FUCKING WOMAN WITH MY OWN FUCKING HOME, AND I DO NOT NEED HIS SORRY FUCKING ASS TELLING ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. NOBODY TELLS MY FUCKING ASS WHAT TO DO.” [then, to me] “Hello! Would you like to buy a raffle ticket?” I … Continue reading “Putting the Asses in Criminal Assessment”

Can I get a witness? Oh, hey, cool: a witness. Much obliged.

[My friend Jessie came into the store last night to give me a tote bag he’d found that he thought I’d appreciate. He was more than correct, and I was cooing over said notary tote (totary?) when a customer meandered in and randomly started telling us about his new crush.] Customer: “I met the cutest … Continue reading “Can I get a witness? Oh, hey, cool: a witness. Much obliged.”

My Name Is Not Bubba (or Susan)

Customer 1: “Hey there, bubba. Let me have a big ol’ bottle of poppers.” Me: “I’m afraid we don’t sell poppers, but we do have a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Customer 1: [unamused] “You know what I mean, bubba.” Me: “Yes, I do. Which solvent or polish remover can I get you … Continue reading “My Name Is Not Bubba (or Susan)”

Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Customer: “Let’s see what junk you have today.” Me: “What… kind of junk are you looking for?” Customer: “I’ll take a bottle of English Gold Label.” Me: “Coming right up!” Customer: “Not that it matters. They’re all the same junk.” [Ed. Note: This impertinent blend of heirloom corrosives offers sparkling citrus top notes with hints … Continue reading “Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.”