This is the excerpt for your very first post.
Dear pervy customer:
It’s beard oil. Beard. Oil. That is not a euphemism. It’s just oil. For your beard. It has no “additional effects.” I promise it’s really beard oil.
I will pay you not to buy the beard oil.
I bought this pretentious desk sign years ago but could never find the right place for it. Turns out, it makes a fabulous paper towel dispenser.
Customer: “I’m a freak. You like freaks? Because I’m a freak. In bed, I mean. Not, like, in real life. I’m not going to stalk you or anything.”
[awkward silence]
Be still, my heart.
