Dear everyone at the Jeffrey Payne meet-and-greet last night:
While I really don’t feel the need to apologize, I do want to point out that we all have that friend we’re not supposed to sit next to in class, and mine happens to be a nice young man named Nuke. In case you don’t know Nuke, he was the guy to my right who, when Jeffrey asked, “Why would one person need 42 guns?” responded with, “Because he’s into some fucked-up shit?” And if you don’t know me personally, I was the guy to Nuke’s left who couldn’t stop laughing at that.
Anyway, regardless of how serious we may have sounded about it, please know that we are not actually planning to sneak a dead hooker into the house of the guy running against Jeffrey for the Democratic nomination. I promise that was just a joke. We would never use a dead hooker for political gain, because
it’s easier to plant drugs we value human life above all else.
Oh, and speaking of, we were also totally joking when we announced we were going to burn down Chicago so that Houston could be the third-largest city in the nation. Burning down Chicago is
not going to happen until after I win IML never the answer. I shouldn’t have to explain this.
Look, what’s important here is that we all support Jeffrey in his bid for governor, so that we can get the evil monkeymen currently running Texas the hell out of office. And it’s also probably important that Nuke and I not be allowed to attend any live, televised debates, although I have to say that the campaign slogans we came up with are guaranteed winners. Here’s our favorite:
Rise 4 Texas, y’all.