Customer: “Hi, I just need a bottle of poppers.” [to his boyfriend] “Which poppers would you like?” Me: “We actually don’t sell poppers.” Customer: “You don’t?” Me: “We don’t. But we do carry solvents and polish removers.” Customer: “OH. Right.” [to his boyfriend] “Which not-poppers would you like?” Part of me wanted to backhand him, but considering allContinue reading Solvent for X
Customer 1: “Hey there, bubba. Let me have a big ol’ bottle of poppers.” Me: “I’m afraid we don’t sell poppers, but we do have a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Customer 1: [unamused] “You know what I mean, bubba.” Me: “Yes, I do. Which solvent or polish remover can I get youContinue reading My Name Is Not Bubba (or Susan)
Customer: “Let’s see what junk you have today.” Me: “What… kind of junk are you looking for?” Customer: “I’ll take a bottle of English Gold Label.” Me: “Coming right up!” Customer: “Not that it matters. They’re all the same junk.” [Ed. Note: This impertinent blend of heirloom corrosives offers sparkling citrus top notes with hintsContinue reading Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Customer: [waving at the solvents] “You’re not supposed to drink these.” Me: “No. That would be bad.” Customer: “They make your mouth go numb.” Me: “I… really don’t need to know how you know that.” Customer: “And then you throw up.” Me: “…” Customer: “They don’t taste good, either.” It’s moments like this that makeContinue reading Bottoms Up
Customer: [gesturing to one of the two men accompanying him] “WHAT DO YOU HAVE THAT I CAN USE TO LEAD THIS ONE AROUND? HA HA HA HAAAA…” Me: “I’m afraid we’re fresh out of leashes.” Customer: “NOT THAT IT’D DO ANY GOOD. THEY’RE GONNA DO WHAT THEY WANT ANYWAY, AMIRITE?” Me: [noncommittal smile] Customer: [gesturingContinue reading Inside Voices
Carlisle, Rok, Nuke, and Nuke’s boyfriend (Scrappy) were all hanging out with me in the store last night, but we could barely hear each other, on account of the music from the bar was blasting at skull-shattering levels. So when Carlisle said something about bubble bath (which made sense in context), everyone else went, “BubbleContinue reading We’re Going to Need a Glass Pipe and a Protractor
Customer: “Which of these solvents is your favorite?” Me: “Y’know, I don’t use them myself.” Customer: “You don’t use solvents?” Me: “Nah.” [beat] Me: “I use straight-up paint thinner.” Customer: [leaves quickly] One of these days, I’ll finally accept that my terribly droll flavor of sarcastic wit is not to everyone’s delicate taste. But oh, trust, IContinue reading Waiting to Inhale
Customer: “Do you carry poppers?” Me: “No.” Customer: “…” Me: “…” Customer: “…” Me: “…” Customer: “Do you carry solvents?” Me: “Right this way!” I’m slowly getting them trained.
Customer: [gesturing to the solvents, attempting to look sly] “Are these… what I think they are?” Me: “Yes, they are.” Customer: “How much is a small bottle?” Me: “$12.99.” Customer: “Would you take $10?” [flashes ten-dollar bill like he’s trying to bribe a maître d’] Me: “No, I would not.” He ended up buying a bottle anyway,Continue reading An Epic Lack of Clapping Back
Customer: “Do you sell poppers?” Me: “No.” Customer: “Oh.” Me: “But we do have a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Customer: [blank stare] Me: “Retail establishments in Texas are prohibited from selling alkyl nitrites or any related chemical compounds for recreational purposes. However, we’re able to keep these products in stock, with theContinue reading We also carry video head cleaner, but we’re fresh out of liquid incense