Search Results for: solvent

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We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.

Customer 1: “Which solvent do you personally recommend?” Me: “Amsterdam.” Customer 1: “Awesome! I’ll take a bottle of Amsterdam.” [Later…] Customer 2: “Which solvent is your favorite?” Me: “Iron Horse.” Customer 2: “Cool! I’ll take a bottle of Iron Horse.” [Later still…] Customer 3: “Which solvent do you prefer?” Me: “Jungle Juice.” Customer 3: “Excellent!Continue reading We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.

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The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.

Customer 1: “Here are all the poppers.” Customer 2: “We’re not supposed to call them poppers.” Customer 1: “Oh, right. Here are all the sniffles.” Customer 2: “…” Customer 1: “Would you care for some sniffles?” While I’m always amused by creative euphemisms for solvents, “Sniffles” sounds like an over-the-counter sinus spray for kids. TheirContinue reading The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.

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Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora

[An online conversation between myself and Nuke.] Nuke: “So we’re going to have to recant all of our artisanal solvent jokes, because we start stocking them tomorrow.” Me: “Awesome. Whenever someone asks me which brand I prefer, I’m going to say, ‘You probably haven’t heard of it.’ “We’re carrying their eucalyptus-peppermint blend.” Me: “…” Nuke:Continue reading Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora

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Can I get a witness? Oh, hey, cool: a witness. Much obliged.

[My friend Jessie came into the store last night to give me a tote bag he’d found that he thought I’d appreciate. He was more than correct, and I was cooing over said notary tote (totary?) when a customer meandered in and randomly started telling us about his new crush.] Customer: “I met the cutestContinue reading Can I get a witness? Oh, hey, cool: a witness. Much obliged.

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Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Customer: “Let’s see what junk you have today.” Me: “What… kind of junk are you looking for?” Customer: “I’ll take a bottle of English Gold Label.” Me: “Coming right up!” Customer: “Not that it matters. They’re all the same junk.” [Ed. Note: This impertinent blend of heirloom corrosives offers sparkling citrus top notes with hintsContinue reading Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

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Bottoms Up

Customer: [waving at the solvents] “You’re not supposed to drink these.” Me: “No. That would be bad.” Customer: “They make your mouth go numb.” Me: “I… really don’t need to know how you know that.” Customer: “And then you throw up.” Me: “…” Customer: “They don’t taste good, either.” It’s moments like this that makeContinue reading Bottoms Up