We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.

Customer 1: “Which solvent do you personally recommend?” Me: “Amsterdam.” Customer 1: “Awesome! I’ll take a bottle of Amsterdam.” [Later…] Customer 2: “Which solvent is your favorite?” Me: “Iron Horse.” Customer 2: “Cool! I’ll take a bottle of Iron Horse.” [Later still…] Customer 3: “Which solvent do you prefer?” Me: “Jungle Juice.” Customer 3: “Excellent!Continue reading We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.

The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.

Customer 1: “Here are all the poppers.” Customer 2: “We’re not supposed to call them poppers.” Customer 1: “Oh, right. Here are all the sniffles.” Customer 2: “…” Customer 1: “Would you care for some sniffles?” While I’m always amused by creative euphemisms for solvents, “Sniffles” sounds like an over-the-counter sinus spray for kids. TheirContinue reading The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.

Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora

[An online conversation between myself and Nuke.] Nuke: “So we’re going to have to recant all of our artisanal solvent jokes, because we start stocking them tomorrow.” Me: “Awesome. Whenever someone asks me which brand I prefer, I’m going to say, ‘You probably haven’t heard of it.’ “We’re carrying their eucalyptus-peppermint blend.” Me: “…” Nuke:Continue reading Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora

Can I get a witness? Oh, hey, cool: a witness. Much obliged.

[My friend Jessie came into the store last night to give me a tote bag he’d found that he thought I’d appreciate. He was more than correct, and I was cooing over said notary tote (totary?) when a customer meandered in and randomly started telling us about his new crush.] Customer: “I met the cutestContinue reading Can I get a witness? Oh, hey, cool: a witness. Much obliged.

Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Customer: “Let’s see what junk you have today.” Me: “What… kind of junk are you looking for?” Customer: “I’ll take a bottle of English Gold Label.” Me: “Coming right up!” Customer: “Not that it matters. They’re all the same junk.” [Ed. Note: This impertinent blend of heirloom corrosives offers sparkling citrus top notes with hintsContinue reading Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Bottoms Up

Customer: [waving at the solvents] “You’re not supposed to drink these.” Me: “No. That would be bad.” Customer: “They make your mouth go numb.” Me: “I… really don’t need to know how you know that.” Customer: “And then you throw up.” Me: “…” Customer: “They don’t taste good, either.” It’s moments like this that makeContinue reading Bottoms Up