Conversations from the Montrose Forge
[Another online conversation with my friend Mike.] Mike: “If you don’t get this and fill it with poppers for the next birthday party you attend, it will be a crime.” Me: “I’m going to take the tube out and replace it with a dildo.” Mike: “That was my second choice. Or put a butt plug … Continue reading “SOLVENTS. He meant solvents. Best visual pun ever, though.”
Customer 1: “Which solvent do you personally recommend?” Me: “Amsterdam.” Customer 1: “Awesome! I’ll take a bottle of Amsterdam.” [Later…] Customer 2: “Which solvent is your favorite?” Me: “Iron Horse.” Customer 2: “Cool! I’ll take a bottle of Iron Horse.” [Later still…] Customer 3: “Which solvent do you prefer?” Me: “Jungle Juice.” Customer 3: “Excellent! … Continue reading “We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.”
Customer: “Hi, I just need a bottle of poppers.” [to his boyfriend] “Which poppers would you like?” Me: “We actually don’t sell poppers.” Customer: “You don’t?” Me: “We don’t. But we do carry solvents and polish removers.” Customer: “OH. Right.” [to his boyfriend] “Which not-poppers would you like?” Part of me wanted to backhand him, but considering all … Continue reading “Solvent for X”
Customer: [pointing to a bottle of Rush] “May I see that yellow bottle, please?” Me: “Sure.” [I hand him the bottle.] Customer: “Hmm. No. This has a red top. I need the Rush with the black top.” Me: “I’m afraid the only Rush we carry has a red top.” Customer: “The Rush with the red … Continue reading “That is… not how math works.”
Customer: [while browsing through our solvent selection] “Ooh, you have Maximum Impact!” Me: “We do!” Customer: “You should use it in a hot tub.” Me: “Um… yeah, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” Customer: “It’ll make you hallucinate.” Me: “Definitely not good.” Customer: “My friends and I have this inside joke, and … Continue reading “A Switch’s Strangled Air”
Customer 1: [eyeing the solvents display] “How does Amsterdam compare to Pig Sweat?” Me: “They’re similar in strength, although some people feel that the Pig Sweat is a little stronger.” Customer 2: “Mmm. My bootyhole just went ‘Oooh!’” Customer 1: “We know. We heard it. Four ping-pong balls just shot out of you.” It’s a good … Continue reading “Topspin on the Backhand Lob”
Straight Girl: “I’d like some amyl nitrate, please.” Me: “Ah. Well, it would be illegal for us to sell amyl nitrate for recreational purposes, but we do carry a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Straight Girl: [scrutinizing the solvents display] “Are these just what you have today?” [Inner Me: This isn’t a farmers … Continue reading “My Own Hot Take on Open Container Laws”
[The always dapper Ty and his equally fanciable husband Michael have stopped by to say hello, and we’re having a lovely exchange on the dos and don’ts of impact play, when a visibly dissatisfied customer flounces in and interrupts.] Customer: “I have a complaint.” Me: “Yes?” Customer: “I bought some poppers here last week…” Me: … Continue reading “Repeat Business”
[A text conversation between myself and Seth, the latest Forge employee, who hasn’t quite adapted to me yet.] Seth: “Double Scorpio just sent us some new solvents for Valentine’s Day. I have a box ready for the bar store when you come in tonight.” Me: “What’s the fragrance?” Seth: “Love Potion.” Me: “So… Rohypnol? Seth: … Continue reading “Flowers for Al-Anon”
Customer: [arms spread wide] “You took care of me.” Me: “I did?” Customer: “Yes! I bought all the leather I’m wearing at your main store.” Me: “Ah, I see. Great! I’m glad we could help.” Customer: “So, what do you have that’s new?” Me: “When were you last here?” Customer: “Yesterday, when I bought all … Continue reading “And by that, I mean I am “deeply skeptical” about his “alleged sexual orientation.” Thank God for air quotes.”
