We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.

Customer 1: “Which solvent do you personally recommend?” Me: “Amsterdam.” Customer 1: “Awesome! I’ll take a bottle of Amsterdam.” [Later…] Customer 2: “Which solvent is your favorite?” Me: “Iron Horse.” Customer 2: “Cool! I’ll take a bottle of Iron Horse.” [Later still…] Customer 3: “Which solvent do you prefer?” Me: “Jungle Juice.” Customer 3: “Excellent! … Continue reading “We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.”

Solvent for X

Customer: “Hi, I just need a bottle of poppers.” [to his boyfriend] “Which poppers would you like?” Me: “We actually don’t sell poppers.” Customer: “You don’t?” Me: “We don’t. But we do carry solvents and polish removers.” Customer: “OH. Right.” [to his boyfriend] “Which not-poppers would you like?” Part of me wanted to backhand him, but considering all … Continue reading “Solvent for X”

My Own Hot Take on Open Container Laws

Straight Girl: “I’d like some amyl nitrate, please.” Me: “Ah. Well, it would be illegal for us to sell amyl nitrate for recreational purposes, but we do carry a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Straight Girl: [scrutinizing the solvents display] “Are these just what you have today?” [Inner Me: This isn’t a farmers … Continue reading “My Own Hot Take on Open Container Laws”

Repeat Business

[The always dapper Ty and his equally fanciable husband Michael have stopped by to say hello, and we’re having a lovely exchange on the dos and don’ts of impact play, when a visibly dissatisfied customer flounces in and interrupts.] Customer: “I have a complaint.” Me: “Yes?” Customer: “I bought some poppers here last week…” Me: … Continue reading “Repeat Business”

Flowers for Al-Anon

[A text conversation between myself and Seth, the latest Forge employee, who hasn’t quite adapted to me yet.] Seth: “Double Scorpio just sent us some new solvents for Valentine’s Day. I have a box ready for the bar store when you come in tonight.” Me: “What’s the fragrance?” Seth: “Love Potion.” Me: “So… Rohypnol? Seth: … Continue reading “Flowers for Al-Anon”

And by that, I mean I am “deeply skeptical” about his “alleged sexual orientation.” Thank God for air quotes.

Customer: [arms spread wide] “You took care of me.” Me: “I did?” Customer: “Yes! I bought all the leather I’m wearing at your main store.” Me: “Ah, I see. Great! I’m glad we could help.” Customer: “So, what do you have that’s new?” Me: “When were you last here?” Customer: “Yesterday, when I bought all … Continue reading “And by that, I mean I am “deeply skeptical” about his “alleged sexual orientation.” Thank God for air quotes.”

Building Barns from Bottom to Top

Customer: “Hello! I’d like a bottle of poppers, please.” Me: “Well, we don’t sell poppers, but we do carry a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Customer: “Oh. That’s right! I forgot. Okay. Um… I would like… a bottle of… furniture cleaner?” The moral of this story is that if I ever start my … Continue reading “Building Barns from Bottom to Top”

The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.

Customer 1: “Here are all the poppers.” Customer 2: “We’re not supposed to call them poppers.” Customer 1: “Oh, right. Here are all the sniffles.” Customer 2: “…” Customer 1: “Would you care for some sniffles?” While I’m always amused by creative euphemisms for solvents, “Sniffles” sounds like an over-the-counter sinus spray for kids. Their … Continue reading “The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.”

Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora

[An online conversation between myself and Nuke.] Nuke: “So we’re going to have to recant all of our artisanal solvent jokes, because we start stocking them tomorrow.” Me: “Awesome. Whenever someone asks me which brand I prefer, I’m going to say, ‘You probably haven’t heard of it.’ “We’re carrying their eucalyptus-peppermint blend.” Me: “…” Nuke: … Continue reading “Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora”