Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Customer: “Let’s see what junk you have today.” Me: “What… kind of junk are you looking for?” Customer: “I’ll take a bottle of English Gold Label.” Me: “Coming right up!” Customer: “Not that it matters. They’re all the same junk.” [Ed. Note: This impertinent blend of heirloom corrosives offers sparkling citrus top notes with hintsContinue reading Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Bottoms Up

Customer: [waving at the solvents] “You’re not supposed to drink these.” Me: “No. That would be bad.” Customer: “They make your mouth go numb.” Me: “I… really don’t need to know how you know that.” Customer: “And then you throw up.” Me: “…” Customer: “They don’t taste good, either.” It’s moments like this that makeContinue reading Bottoms Up

We’re Going to Need a Glass Pipe and a Protractor

Carlisle, Rok, Nuke, and Nuke’s boyfriend (Scrappy) were all hanging out with me in the store last night, but we could barely hear each other, on account of the music from the bar was blasting at skull-shattering levels. So when Carlisle said something about bubble bath (which made sense in context), everyone else went, “BubbleContinue reading We’re Going to Need a Glass Pipe and a Protractor

An Epic Lack of Clapping Back

Customer: [gesturing to the solvents, attempting to look sly] “Are these… what I think they are?” Me: “Yes, they are.” Customer: “How much is a small bottle?” Me: “$12.99.” Customer: “Would you take $10?” [flashes ten-dollar bill like he’s trying to bribe a maître d’] Me: “No, I would not.” He ended up buying a bottle anyway,Continue reading An Epic Lack of Clapping Back

We also carry video head cleaner, but we’re fresh out of liquid incense

Customer: “Do you sell poppers?” Me: “No.” Customer: “Oh.” Me: “But we do have a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Customer: [blank stare] Me: “Retail establishments in Texas are prohibited from selling alkyl nitrites or any related chemical compounds for recreational purposes. However, we’re able to keep these products in stock, with theContinue reading We also carry video head cleaner, but we’re fresh out of liquid incense