Customer 1: “Which solvent do you personally recommend?” Me: “Amsterdam.” Customer 1: “Awesome! I’ll take a bottle of Amsterdam.” [Later…] Customer 2: “Which solvent is your favorite?” Me: “Iron Horse.” Customer 2: “Cool! I’ll take a bottle of Iron Horse.” [Later still…] Customer 3: “Which solvent do you prefer?” Me: “Jungle Juice.” Customer 3: “Excellent!Continue reading We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.
Customer: “Hi, I just need a bottle of poppers.” [to his boyfriend] “Which poppers would you like?” Me: “We actually don’t sell poppers.” Customer: “You don’t?” Me: “We don’t. But we do carry solvents and polish removers.” Customer: “OH. Right.” [to his boyfriend] “Which not-poppers would you like?” Part of me wanted to backhand him, but considering allContinue reading Solvent for X
Customer: “Hello! I’d like a bottle of poppers, please.” Me: “Well, we don’t sell poppers, but we do carry a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Customer: “Oh. That’s right! I forgot. Okay. Um… I would like… a bottle of… furniture cleaner?” The moral of this story is that if I ever start myContinue reading Building Barns from Bottom to Top
Customer 1: “Here are all the poppers.” Customer 2: “We’re not supposed to call them poppers.” Customer 1: “Oh, right. Here are all the sniffles.” Customer 2: “…” Customer 1: “Would you care for some sniffles?” While I’m always amused by creative euphemisms for solvents, “Sniffles” sounds like an over-the-counter sinus spray for kids. TheirContinue reading The makers of Flonase need to hurry up and offer me an executive position before a competitor whisks me away to sell patented steroid inhalants to children.
[An online conversation between myself and Nuke.] Nuke: “So we’re going to have to recant all of our artisanal solvent jokes, because we start stocking them tomorrow.” Me: “Awesome. Whenever someone asks me which brand I prefer, I’m going to say, ‘You probably haven’t heard of it.’ “We’re carrying their eucalyptus-peppermint blend.” Me: “…” Nuke:Continue reading Their logo should be a Betamax wearing an ironic fedora
Straight Girl: [to her friend] “FUCK HIM. I AM A GROWN-ASS FUCKING WOMAN WITH MY OWN FUCKING HOME, AND I DO NOT NEED HIS SORRY FUCKING ASS TELLING ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. NOBODY TELLS MY FUCKING ASS WHAT TO DO.” [then, to me] “Hello! Would you like to buy a raffle ticket?” IContinue reading Putting the Asses in Criminal Assessment
[My friend Jessie came into the store last night to give me a tote bag he’d found that he thought I’d appreciate. He was more than correct, and I was cooing over said notary tote (totary?) when a customer meandered in and randomly started telling us about his new crush.] Customer: “I met the cutestContinue reading Can I get a witness? Oh, hey, cool: a witness. Much obliged.
Customer 1: “Hey there, bubba. Let me have a big ol’ bottle of poppers.” Me: “I’m afraid we don’t sell poppers, but we do have a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Customer 1: [unamused] “You know what I mean, bubba.” Me: “Yes, I do. Which solvent or polish remover can I get youContinue reading My Name Is Not Bubba (or Susan)
Customer: “Let’s see what junk you have today.” Me: “What… kind of junk are you looking for?” Customer: “I’ll take a bottle of English Gold Label.” Me: “Coming right up!” Customer: “Not that it matters. They’re all the same junk.” [Ed. Note: This impertinent blend of heirloom corrosives offers sparkling citrus top notes with hintsContinue reading Go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Customer: [waving at the solvents] “You’re not supposed to drink these.” Me: “No. That would be bad.” Customer: “They make your mouth go numb.” Me: “I… really don’t need to know how you know that.” Customer: “And then you throw up.” Me: “…” Customer: “They don’t taste good, either.” It’s moments like this that makeContinue reading Bottoms Up