SOLVENTS. He meant solvents. Best visual pun ever, though.

[Another online conversation with my friend Mike.] Mike: “If you don’t get this and fill it with poppers for the next birthday party you attend, it will be a crime.” Me: “I’m going to take the tube out and replace it with a dildo.” Mike: “That was my second choice. Or put a butt plug … Continue reading “SOLVENTS. He meant solvents. Best visual pun ever, though.”

We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.

Customer 1: “Which solvent do you personally recommend?” Me: “Amsterdam.” Customer 1: “Awesome! I’ll take a bottle of Amsterdam.” [Later…] Customer 2: “Which solvent is your favorite?” Me: “Iron Horse.” Customer 2: “Cool! I’ll take a bottle of Iron Horse.” [Later still…] Customer 3: “Which solvent do you prefer?” Me: “Jungle Juice.” Customer 3: “Excellent! … Continue reading “We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.”

Solvent for X

Customer: “Hi, I just need a bottle of poppers.” [to his boyfriend] “Which poppers would you like?” Me: “We actually don’t sell poppers.” Customer: “You don’t?” Me: “We don’t. But we do carry solvents and polish removers.” Customer: “OH. Right.” [to his boyfriend] “Which not-poppers would you like?” Part of me wanted to backhand him, but considering all … Continue reading “Solvent for X”

That is… not how math works.

Customer: [pointing to a bottle of Rush] “May I see that yellow bottle, please?” Me: “Sure.” [I hand him the bottle.] Customer: “Hmm. No. This has a red top. I need the Rush with the black top.” Me: “I’m afraid the only Rush we carry has a red top.” Customer: “The Rush with the red … Continue reading “That is… not how math works.”

A Switch’s Strangled Air

Customer: [while browsing through our solvent selection] “Ooh, you have Maximum Impact!” Me: “We do!” Customer: “You should use it in a hot tub.” Me: “Um… yeah, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” Customer: “It’ll make you hallucinate.” Me: “Definitely not good.” Customer: “My friends and I have this inside joke, and … Continue reading “A Switch’s Strangled Air”

Topspin on the Backhand Lob

Customer 1: [eyeing the solvents display] “How does Amsterdam compare to Pig Sweat?” Me: “They’re similar in strength, although some people feel that the Pig Sweat is a little stronger.” Customer 2: “Mmm. My bootyhole just went ‘Oooh!’” Customer 1: “We know. We heard it. Four ping-pong balls just shot out of you.” It’s a good … Continue reading “Topspin on the Backhand Lob”

My Own Hot Take on Open Container Laws

Straight Girl: “I’d like some amyl nitrate, please.” Me: “Ah. Well, it would be illegal for us to sell amyl nitrate for recreational purposes, but we do carry a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Straight Girl: [scrutinizing the solvents display] “Are these just what you have today?” [Inner Me: This isn’t a farmers … Continue reading “My Own Hot Take on Open Container Laws”

Repeat Business

[The always dapper Ty and his equally fanciable husband Michael have stopped by to say hello, and we’re having a lovely exchange on the dos and don’ts of impact play, when a visibly dissatisfied customer flounces in and interrupts.] Customer: “I have a complaint.” Me: “Yes?” Customer: “I bought some poppers here last week…” Me: … Continue reading “Repeat Business”

Flowers for Al-Anon

[A text conversation between myself and Seth, the latest Forge employee, who hasn’t quite adapted to me yet.] Seth: “Double Scorpio just sent us some new solvents for Valentine’s Day. I have a box ready for the bar store when you come in tonight.” Me: “What’s the fragrance?” Seth: “Love Potion.” Me: “So… Rohypnol? Seth: … Continue reading “Flowers for Al-Anon”

And by that, I mean I am “deeply skeptical” about his “alleged sexual orientation.” Thank God for air quotes.

Customer: [arms spread wide] “You took care of me.” Me: “I did?” Customer: “Yes! I bought all the leather I’m wearing at your main store.” Me: “Ah, I see. Great! I’m glad we could help.” Customer: “So, what do you have that’s new?” Me: “When were you last here?” Customer: “Yesterday, when I bought all … Continue reading “And by that, I mean I am “deeply skeptical” about his “alleged sexual orientation.” Thank God for air quotes.”