[Another online conversation with my friend Mike.] Mike: “If you don’t get this and fill it with poppers for the next birthday party you attend, it will be a crime.” Me: “I’m going to take the tube out and replace it with a dildo.” Mike: “That was my second choice. Or put a butt plug … Continue reading “SOLVENTS. He meant solvents. Best visual pun ever, though.”
Customer 1: “Which solvent do you personally recommend?” Me: “Amsterdam.” Customer 1: “Awesome! I’ll take a bottle of Amsterdam.” [Later…] Customer 2: “Which solvent is your favorite?” Me: “Iron Horse.” Customer 2: “Cool! I’ll take a bottle of Iron Horse.” [Later still…] Customer 3: “Which solvent do you prefer?” Me: “Jungle Juice.” Customer 3: “Excellent! … Continue reading “We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.”
Customer: “Hi, I just need a bottle of poppers.” [to his boyfriend] “Which poppers would you like?” Me: “We actually don’t sell poppers.” Customer: “You don’t?” Me: “We don’t. But we do carry solvents and polish removers.” Customer: “OH. Right.” [to his boyfriend] “Which not-poppers would you like?” Part of me wanted to backhand him, but considering all … Continue reading “Solvent for X”
I totally meant to post this a couple of months ago, but guess what, y’all? I GOT A NEW JOB. KIND OF. Back in January, I was picked up as a columnist for Patheos Pagan. Long story short, I told them I wanted to write about Discordianism, Chaos Magic, Traditional Wicca, and 12-Step Recovery, and … Continue reading “I Am a Terrible Multi-tasker”
[I am sitting out on the Ripcord patio, playing on my phone, and waiting for my shift to start. I’m wearing a Black Lives Matter T-shirt with a coordinating Nasty Pig baseball cap, and I look cute as all hell, if I do say so myself. A guy at a table across the way is … Continue reading “Dress to Progress”
Customer: “I’d like some Scorpion, please.” Me: “You mean Double Scorpio? Sure. Which one would you like?” Customer: [looking over my shoulder to the Double Scorpio refrigerator on the counter behind me] “Hmmm… I’ll take the one in the third quadrant.” Me: “Um… which one?” Customer: “The one located in the third quadrant.” Me: “There’s … Continue reading “I Don’t Know Is in Third”
Customer: [pointing to a bottle of Rush] “May I see that yellow bottle, please?” Me: “Sure.” [I hand him the bottle.] Customer: “Hmm. No. This has a red top. I need the Rush with the black top.” Me: “I’m afraid the only Rush we carry has a red top.” Customer: “The Rush with the red … Continue reading “That is… not how math works.”
Customer: [while browsing through our solvent selection] “Ooh, you have Maximum Impact!” Me: “We do!” Customer: “You should use it in a hot tub.” Me: “Um… yeah, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” Customer: “It’ll make you hallucinate.” Me: “Definitely not good.” Customer: “My friends and I have this inside joke, and … Continue reading “A Switch’s Strangled Air”
Customer 1: [eyeing the solvents display] “How does Amsterdam compare to Pig Sweat?” Me: “They’re similar in strength, although some people feel that the Pig Sweat is a little stronger.” Customer 2: “Mmm. My bootyhole just went ‘Oooh!’” Customer 1: “We know. We heard it. Four ping-pong balls just shot out of you.” It’s a good … Continue reading “Topspin on the Backhand Lob”
Straight Girl: “I’d like some amyl nitrate, please.” Me: “Ah. Well, it would be illegal for us to sell amyl nitrate for recreational purposes, but we do carry a fine selection of solvents and polish removers.” Straight Girl: [scrutinizing the solvents display] “Are these just what you have today?” [Inner Me: This isn’t a farmers … Continue reading “My Own Hot Take on Open Container Laws”
Marjorie's Forgeries 