Holy Hand Grenade Not Included

Me: “So, to honor and memorialize the discovery of my thing…” Everyone: “Please don’t say you bought another T-shirt.” Me: “… I bought another T-shirt.” “Everyone: “Why would you do that?! You already own like 10,000 T-shirts.” Me: “I’m sorry, what was that? I can’t quite hear you over the sound of how awesome this … Continue reading “Holy Hand Grenade Not Included”

Color Guard

Customer: [pointing to an olive green jockstrap] “What does this color mean?” Me: “Well, according to the Hanky Code, olive green means military, but the color of a particular jockstrap doesn’t really mean anything.” Customer: “I don’t follow.” Me: “Some people wear certain colors as flags, but some just wear colors they happen to like. … Continue reading “Color Guard”

Glass Beholders (or, Must Be Friday)

[Carlisle and I are playing a word game on my phone when a customer strides in and surveys the store. They are wearing pink camouflage sweatpants, a ribbed, skintight, see-through shirt, and a shoulder-length wig the color of cotton candy, if cotton candy were radioactive.] Me: “Hi! Let me know if I can help you … Continue reading “Glass Beholders (or, Must Be Friday)”

Left Holding the Heads

[Carlisle has come by to keep me company on a slow evening, and since it’s near freezing outside, he’s dressed head-to-toe in leather. Without warning, a mildly hysterical customer bursts into the store.] Customer: [pointing at Carlisle] “OH, MY GOD. I thought you were a mannequin, but then you moved and scared the shit out … Continue reading “Left Holding the Heads”

I want you like horse loves hay. We all do.

This month’s Facets of Leather included a lively visit from the Houston girls of Leather, along with in-depth discussions of bootblacking etiquette, boundaries during kink scenes, and the now infamous Phantom Penis incident. It also featured me repeatedly leaning into my microphone and murmuring, “You’re listening… to Facets,” in my best Delilah voice, because somewhere around … Continue reading “I want you like horse loves hay. We all do.”

And “foyer” rhymes with “Baphomet.” Language is weird.

Robert and I knew we weren’t properly equipped to deconstruct all the details of the Noodles & Beef horror show, which is why, on last night’s Facets of Leather, we brought in professional smart person Ty Lerman to help us get our brains around the situation. Oh, and speaking of horror, we debuted an exciting new … Continue reading “And “foyer” rhymes with “Baphomet.” Language is weird.”

But I’m buying it anyway, in case I ever decide to get that Satanic courier business off the ground.

[A conversation between myself and my bestie/artistic collaborator Sarah.] Me: “I need a new domain name.” Sarah: “Oh?” Me: “Yeah. I got invited to a networky, business-card-trading thing, but the organizer said that DomTopNotary might be a wee bit too out there for the other professionals. What do you think of RansomNotary.com?” Sarah: “To be … Continue reading “But I’m buying it anyway, in case I ever decide to get that Satanic courier business off the ground.”

Tonight, on a very special episode of Long Lost Family…

The CPA who found my briefcase called back this past Tuesday to report that one of the cleaning ladies in his building came across a bag “with some notary things in it.” I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I went ahead and rushed on over to inspect the discovery. I was not … Continue reading “Tonight, on a very special episode of Long Lost Family…”

There She Goes Again on Her Own

[Half of the Ripcord regulars are in New Orleans for Southern Decadence, and the other half are in Dallas for ILSb-ICCB, but the bar is packed anyway with heavy drinkers who normally frequent other establishments in the area. Carlisle and my Misfit brother Mike have both dropped in to say hello, and the three of us … Continue reading “There She Goes Again on Her Own”