Customer: “OMYGOD, HANKIES! IT’S THE HANKY CODE!”
Me: “… Yes. It is.”
Customer: [waving a navy blue hanky at me] “WHAT DOES THIS ONE MEAN?”
Me: “Navy blue stands for anal sex.”
Customer: “SO WHAT DO I DO WITH IT? WHERE DO I WEAR IT?”
Me: “Well, do you want to fuck or get fucked?”
Customer: “WHAT?!” [to the other customers in the shop] “DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE JUST SAID TO ME?!”
Customer: “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FUCKING SAID THAT! [squaring his shoulders and dropping his voice two octaves] “Do YoU wAnT tO FuCk Or GeT fUcKeD?”
[He switches back to his normal speech and mannerisms.]
Customer: “WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?! DON’T FUCKING ASK IT LIKE THAT.”
Me: “Okay… are you a top or a bottom?”
Customer: “THANK YOU.”
[Exeunt, with Divers Alarums and Excursions]
There were a couple of thoughts running through my head as he flounced away, but more than anything, I just really appreciated his impersonation of me. He made me so butch, you guys! Shade really is the sincerest form of flattery.
And speaking of Things Manly, I’m heading out to that men’s retreat this afternoon. My sponsor (who’s attended several of these things) has assured me that it’ll be a rewarding experience, but my love of horror movies is working against me, and choice scenes from Sleepaway Camp and Borderland keep flashing before my eyes.
If you don’t hear from me tomorrow or Sunday, I’m probably just out in the woods, communing with nature and having a good time. But if I haven’t posted by Monday night, either here or on Twitter, assume I’m about to be sacrificed to the Old Ones and contact the Texas Rangers immediately.
The Texas Ranger Division of the Department of Public Safety, that is. Not the baseball team.
Actually, send either. The baseball players will have blunt weapons and good aim.