Saccharine Boy

Customer 1: “Let’s go get a drink. I’ll buy.”

Customer 2: “Oh, so you’re my sugar daddy now?”

Customer 1: “Um, no.”

Customer 2: “Yeah, I guess you’re too young to be a sugar daddy. What do you want me to call you instead of sugar daddy?”

Customer 1: I… hadn’t really thought about it.”

Customer 2: [to me] “He’s younger than you are, but he has money. What does that make him?”

Me: “Successful?”

[awkward silence]

In the defense of everyone involved, it’s quite possible that Customer 1 is actually much older than I am and just has a better skincare regimen. Besides, success is subjective. It’s like Alaska says in that Adore Delano song: I’m “cash poor but spirit wealthy.”

But if you happen to be a sugar daddy in the market for a new pet, let me just point out that I’m also incredibly immature for my age and don’t shed. Plus my credit debt is well below the national average. I’m really quite a steal. References and writing samples available upon request.

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