Not So Fresh

[Carlisle and I are getting ready to order some Mexican food and debating the merits of soft versus crunchy tacos, when a customer shuffles in and starts pawing through a display of leather baubles.]

Me: “Hello! What can I help you with this evening?”

Customer: [holding up a collar] “I’m looking for something like this, except… solid. With a buckle. Y’know, to go around my arm? Like an arm… belt?”

Me: “An armband? Sure, let me show you some options.”

Customer: “I’m going to LUEY, so I want to get a bunch of leather.”

Me: “And I’d be happy to help you with that.”

Customer: “So let me ask you something. Since you’re, like, an expert.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “How does douching work?”

Me: “…”

Customer: [waiting patiently]

Me: “Um… well… if… if you’re going to invite guests through the back door, you’re going to want to sweep the porch, right?”

Customer: “I guess?”

Me: “So right over here we have a bidet system that you can install in your shower, which is going to give you the most… uh… thorough… clean.”

Customer: “Huh.”

Me: “But we’ve also got these reusable, handheld irrigators that will get the job done.”

Customer: “How do they get the job done?”

Me: “Oy. Okay. So… you remove the nozzle, and fill the bulb up with warm water. And then you screw the nozzle back in, and after it’s… um, inserted, you squeeze the bulb and then… uh… release.”

Customer: “Oh. But what about the ones you can get at the grocery store?”

Me: “The… grocery store?”

Customer: “I’ve been using Summer’s Eve.”

[Somewhere out in the bar, a turntable needle scratches across vinyl.]

Me: “…”

Carlisle: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Carlisle: “…”

Customer: “…?”

Me: “Oh. Oh, dude. No.”

Customer: “I shouldn’t use Summer’s Eve?”

Me: “Please, please don’t. Summer’s Eve is not formulated for… um, where you’re putting it.”

Customer: “What should I use instead?”

Me: “Look for a product called Fleet.”

Customer: “What’s a Fleet?”

Me: “Fleet makes disposable enemas.”

Customer: “Disposable… enemas?”

Me: [crying a little] “They have lubricated tips.”

Customer: “Oh! Okay, great! Thank you!”

And then he left, and I spent the rest of my shift wondering why the phrase “lubricated tips” turned out to be the key to enlightenment. And also if he was more of a Lavender Chamomile or Cucumber Lily man.

In other news, I will never eat a crunchy taco again.

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