Guest-starring Trixie Mattel as the Coworker Who Doesn’t Get Paid to Judge Me

Me: [poking around in the main store’s supply closet] “Hey, do we have any toothpaste or mouthwash or anything?”

Seth: “We do not, unfortunately,”

Me: “Darn. I’ve got a weird taste in my mouth.”

Seth: “What did you eat that caused it?”

Me: “A cheeseburger from a gas station.”

[beat]

Seth: “Honey.”

Me: “What? It probably won’t kill me.”

Seth: “Honey.”

Me: “I mean, I didn’t look at the nutritional information, but I’m pretty sure there wasn’t any actual meat in it.”

Seth:

TrixieHoney

Rok: [overhearing] “Gas station cheeseburger? Is that the new polari way of saying, ‘I sucked some unsavory dick’?”

Me: “IT IS NOW.”

Seth suggested that I clock in and then run to a convenience store for oral hygiene products, but I was like, “No. Every time I do something I’m not supposed to, Tank magically appears and catches me.” And right on cue, Tank texted to say that he’d changed the lock on the bar store, and that he would come up and let me in if my key didn’t work.

Is there a polari expression for, “My boss is psychic but only uses his powers to terrorize me”? Because there totally should be. Or at the very least a quaint German term.

Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now, Except the FCC and a Microphone Malfunction

This month’s Facets of Leather featured Ms. Texas Leather 2019 Elizabeth Lawrence as our first ever call-in guest, and she was gracious and lovely, and she totally didn’t curse at all, provided our censors understand that “asshole” and “a-hole” are two completely separate words with wildly different meanings. She also didn’t say “tits,” and for that we are very grateful (although we did give her the option of talking about bosoms instead).

After her interview, Elizabeth got off the phone and joined some of our listeners in helping Robert and I remember the dates of various upcoming events that were accidentally left off of our calendar. At one point I was like, “Hey, Jessie? I need you to send a Facebook friend request to Misfit Scott, and once he accepts, send him a private message and get the dates for the Mr. Houston Leather contest. But ask him how he’s feeling first, because he’s stuck in Mexico with food poisoning.” And then it turned out we didn’t need the dates after all, so I started yelling, “ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION!” Mainly because I’ve just always wanted to say that.

It was fun. I regret nothing.

After taking last month off, the succulent Orin Slade returned with another meme triumph, this one assembled in realtime while we were broadcasting:

Orin210

I am not sure how he found a picture of an appropriate, old-timey mannequin so quickly, but that just goes to show how talented he is at digital art. In related news, it is also not creepy to collect old-timey mannequins, nor is it unusual to collect old-timey mannequins while raising pot-bellied pigs.

I promise this all makes sense in context. Just listen to the show, guys. And enjoy the following song, which Robert and I have decided is our new anthem. May it inspire your relationship goals as well.

Flowers for Al-Anon

[A text conversation between myself and Seth, the latest Forge employee, who hasn’t quite adapted to me yet.]

Seth: “Double Scorpio just sent us some new solvents for Valentine’s Day. I have a box ready for the bar store when you come in tonight.”

Me: “What’s the fragrance?”

Seth: “Love Potion.”

Me: “So… Rohypnol?

Seth: “Wanna find out?” [mic drop emoji]

Me: “I mean, it’s not a relapse if I don’t know it’s in my drink, right?”

Seth: “… Oh, dear.”

Me:
giphy

Incidentally, Double Scorpio also makes a Holiday Blend, which is scented like an Old Fashioned cocktail and has sparked the following exchange on a few different occasions:

Customer: “Holiday Blend, huh? What does that smell like?”

Me: “Did your grandpa have a drinking problem?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Because if so, it smells like Christmas.”

Anyway, the “correct” answer, I’ve been told, is bourbon and citrus. Oh, and the Love Potion gives off a floral bouquet. And when people ask what Max Impact is for, I’m apparently not supposed to say “hostage control.”

Truth in advertising is hard, you guys.