How to give me an anxiety attack in three easy steps:

1) Be my dad.

2) Call me on my cell phone in the middle of the day to confirm that I can’t take personal calls at work, and to double-check that you should only try to reach me on my cell in the case of a life-threatening emergency.

3) Repeat as necessary, or until desired results are achieved.

In related news, did you know that Advil PM can have the same effect on the human brain as Xanax? I can’t remember where I read that, although according to WebMD, long-term use of diphenhydramine (the active agent in both Advil PM and Benadryl) is linked to memory loss and dementia. Awesome. I won’t know what day it is, but I won’t be sneezing or panicking, I can tell you that much.

ETA: WebMD also says I have shirt cancer. Thoughts and prayers, please.