Oh, Baby, You’re So Queercore

Customer 1: [pointing to a ball-stretcher] “Do you know what this is?”

Customer 2: “A cock ring, I guess?”

Customer 1: “No. It goes on your balls.”

Customer 2: “… Oh. Okay.”

Customer 1: “And do you know what these metal rods are for?”

Customer 2: “No.”

Customer 1: “They’re for sounding. They go in your urethra.”

Customer 2: “I… I don’t think I want to try that.”

Customer 1: “Do you know what these bandanas mean?”

[Ed. Note: We get a customer like this about once a week. Don’t let the J Crew styling and the perfectly coiffed hair and the appletini fool you — they have been around and seen some shit, and they love nothing more than to drag their friends into the Forge and demonstrate their encyclopedic knowledge of kink impedimenta.]

Customer 2: “I really want to try on a harness.”

Customer 1: “You don’t know how to put on a harness.”

Customer 2: “I am perfectly capable of putting on a harness…” [A brief but epic struggle ensues. The harness wins.]

Me: “Hi. May I take a look?”

Customer 1: [glare]

Customer 2: “Sure.”

Me: “Okay… here’s the problem. You’ve got it on backwards.”

Customer 1: [malevolent cackling]

Me: [ignoring said cackles] “Let’s get it off of you and see if we can resize it for a better fit.”

[I peel him out of the harness, lay it on the counter, and start putting it back together, since he undid several buckles while trying to pull it over his head, and it’s now a big jumble of matching belts.]

Customer 2: [watching me trying to determine which belt goes where] “Geez. If a professional can’t figure it out, then I definitely don’t want to buy it.”

Customer 1: “Oh, he is not a professional.”

Me: [whipping around with shade locked and loaded]

[Inner Me: Not yet, my child. Wait for it.]

Customer 2: “What about this harness? It looks kind of cool.”

Customer 1: “Oh, you definitely do not want that harness. Do you know what it’s for?”

[Ed. Note: I swear to the Gods I am not making this up.]

Customer 1: “This harness is used for puppy play. See that metal ring in the back? That’s to hold your tail in place once you’ve inserted it into your ass.”

Me: “Yeah… those are suspenders.”

Customer 1: “…”

Customer 2: “They’re what?”

Me: “Suspenders. They go over your shoulders and clip onto your belt loops.”

[long pause]

Customer 2: “Why am I even friends with you?”

Customer 1: What?! You need me!

Customer 2: “No, I don’t. You’re really mean.”

Customer 1: “I am not mean. I am an honest asshole.”

Well, at least he’s half right. But all the accolades go to Inner Me for accurately predicting the future. I will try to remember to use this power for good.

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