We’ve secretly replaced the fine solvents we usually serve with battery acid and patchouli. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference.

Customer 1: “Which solvent do you personally recommend?”

Me: “Amsterdam.”

Customer 1: “Awesome! I’ll take a bottle of Amsterdam.”

[Later…]

Customer 2: “Which solvent is your favorite?”

Me: “Iron Horse.”

Customer 2: “Cool! I’ll take a bottle of Iron Horse.”

[Later still…]

Customer 3: “Which solvent do you prefer?”

Me: “Jungle Juice.”

Customer 3: “Excellent! I’ll take a bottle of Jungle Juice.”

[Even more later…]

Customer 4: “In your experience, which of these solvents is the most intense?”

Me: “Pig Sweat.”

Customer 4: “Nifty! I’ll take a bottle of Pig Sweat.”

Sooner or later, someone’s going to figure out that I’m just running down the list of brand names alphabetically, but hey, it still beats repeatedly explaining that I don’t actually use them. Plus I get to feel like a sommelier without having to relapse. It’s pretty much wins all the way around.

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