Burnt Umber Chenille on the Right Means the Kisses are Hers and Hers and His

[A conversation between myself and my friend Mike, which took place after he read my IML bio in this month’s edition of The Leather Journal.]

Mike: “I’m tempted to review each of the IML contestants the way I reviewed all of this year’s Eurovision songs.”

Me: “I support and encourage you in this endeavor. But when you get to me, please know that I tried to adjust the midtones of my picture before I submitted it, and now it has a weird tinge. Everyone is going to know me as that guy with the deathly pallor who is probably dying of consumption.”

Mike: “When you’re on the runway, you should cough and spit blood once you reach the judge’s table.”

Me: “Couldn’t hurt. I’ve done a terrible job of bonding with the other contestants. I barely know any of their first names.”

Mike: “You are not going to win Miss Congeniality that way, Marjorie. And huh, one of these guys flags white velvet. I had no idea that was even a hanky color.”

Me: “It stands for voyeurism. Who’s flagging it? Is he cute? Did he say anything about me? How’s my hair?”

Mike: “You are the worst stalker ever. Did you not even read the other bios? We are so going to have a lesson in gauging the competition.”

Me: “I’m really more into impromptu stalking. But I can’t remember which color that is.”

Mike: “Plaid cordouroy.”

Me: “Love it. I wish I’d made up a bunch of nonsensical flagging attributes before I submitted my blurb. ‘Thomas is a vertical median who flags Post-Its in the front left pocket and elastic around the waist.'”

Mike: “‘When he’s feeling particularly transgressive, he wears a Little Mermaid pillowcase ripped in half as a durag.’ Wait… a holstein hanky means milking? What is miking? Are we talking dick, or turning man teats into cream dispensers?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure we’re talking prostate massage.”

Mike: “Ah. I can see that. Seriously, though, do people really walk around Ripcord with doilies or gold lamé hankies?”

Me: “People usually stick to the primary colors. Although now I want to flag doily, and if anyone hits on me, I’m going to be like, “It means my grandmother just died, asshole.”

Mike: “We should write a skit for IML about hanky code misidentification. ‘Psst. Chad. That guy over there is cruising me. What does avocado green carpet on the left mean?’ ‘Oh, um. I think it means he wants to rim you while you eat a bowl of Booberry and watch Scooby-Doo reruns.'”

Me: “Awesome. He’s flagging my childhood. That is in no way unsettling.”

Mike: “EXACTLY. ‘Say, I can’t help but notice you have a Star Wars bed sheet pocket square on your left. I think I’m the droid you’re looking for.'”

Me: “This is all going on the blog.”

Coincidentally enough, the Misfits do need a new skit concept for next year’s LUEY Weekend. and wacky Hanky Code mishaps would make for an epic farce — like a cross between The Big Gay Sketch Show and Three’s Company. I will get cracking on the script as soon as I have the best obscure colors picked out, and after I decide who among my brothers is most deserving of the nickname Chrissy.

One thought on “Burnt Umber Chenille on the Right Means the Kisses are Hers and Hers and His”

  1. Hanky suggestions:
    -blood orange seersucker opra cape
    -antique gold tassels from a Louis XIV chair
    -parchment paper for baking
    -a reusable shopping bag

    Have fun in Chicago!

    Liked by 2 people

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