Undrunk and Unsupervised

Nuke: “Would you be willing to give your Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia speech as part of our show?”

Me: “Sure. Just set me up with a good introduction and include the backstory, so that I’m not forever known as that schizophrenic who couldn’t stop talking about his penis.”

Nuke: “Well it’s a little too late for that, Marjorie.”

Me: “Touché.”

Anywhoozle, that’s how I ended up onstage at a gay sports bar, regaling the unsuspecting, office-casual patrons with the epic saga of my dick’s triumphant win at the 1976 Miss Georgia World pageant. Most of the crowd just stared at me in mute horror, but let me tell you, the bartender was enchanted. Were I a drinking man, I totally would’ve tipped him bountifully.

Later, as the fundraiser was wrapping up, somebody asked Tank if what I’d performed was an original spokenword composition. For future reference, here’s the correct way to answer that question:

Them: “Was that an original spokenword composition?”

Tank: “Are you old enough to remember Designing Women?”

Them: “No.”

Tank: “Then yes. Yes, it was.”

Nuke and Rok also mentioned me in one of their songs as a certain someone who “drinks water pure and goes to bed quite sober.” (According to the lyrics, I’ll be taking a permanent dirt nap sometime in the early Fall.) It’s a good thing Nuke thought ahead and immortalized me in verse, because after my monologue, the looks on the audience’s faces were less “let us spread glad tidings of this remarkable talent to the ends of the earth” and more “let’s seriously just pretend that never happened.”

3 thoughts on “Undrunk and Unsupervised

  1. you don’t drink water and soda handed to you by the bemused bartender? You should tip for those things too, ya know.
    And there is always more than one reason to chat up a bartender, especially if he be handsome and bemused by your performance

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I actually did tip him well for my club soda, which was the only drink I purchased. However, had this taken place pre-sobriety, the money he would’ve made on the tips-per-drink ratio would’ve put him through college.

      Like

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