As the World Turns and the Pendulum Swings

Me: “I’M NEVER SPEAKING TO DOUGLAS AGAIN.”

Everyone Else: “Okay.”

[a few hours pass]

Me: “Douglas and I made up.”

Everyone Else: “Cool.”

[the next morning]

Me: “DOUGLAS IS A HEARTLESS SOCIOPATH.”

Everyone Else: “Ah.”

[that afternoon]

Me: “Douglas is a true friend.”

Everyone Else: “Mmm.”

[two days later]

Me: “DOUGLAS CAN CHOKE ON A BAG OF DICKS.”

Everyone Else: “Huh.”

[the day after that]

Me: “Douglas and I are going to a timeshare presentation and pretending to be a couple so that we can win a free toaster.”

Everyone Else: “La.”

[moments later]

Me: “WHAT ATROCITIES DID I COMMIT THAT AN INFERNAL VARMINT AS VILE AS DOUGLAS SHOULD INFEST MY UNIVERSE?”

Everyone Else: [not even pretending to pay attention]

Me: “…”

Everyone Else: [still no response; possibly asleep]

Me: “I should call Douglas.”

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