My Tutelary Spirit is Dr. Sam Beckett

Customer: [holding up a cock ring] “Is this similar to a cock ring?”

Me: “That is a cock ring, just made out of silicone instead of metal.”

Customer: “You know how as men age, their balls start hanging lower?”

[Inner Me: Well, that escalated quickly.]

Customer: “I have the opposite problem.”

Me:.”You’re… getting younger?”

[Inner Me: Yes. You’re selling a cock ring to Benjamin Button.]

Customer: “Um, no. I’m on testosterone, so my balls are shrinking and drawing up inside of me.”

Me: “I see.”

Customer: “That was probably an overshare.”

Me: “Eh, not a bad one.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay. Anyway, I need something to keep them in place.”

Me: “Ah. You need a cock sling.”

Customer: “A what now?”

Me: [pulling a cock sling off the display] See? Everything goes through this larger hole, but then your dick goes all the way through the second hole, while your balls go through this smaller, snug hole.”

[Inner Me: Heh. You said ‘hole.’]

Customer: “Yeah, I can’t quite picture it…”

Me: “No problem! Follow me to the computer — we’ll look at some porn, and you’ll see how it works.”

[five minutes later]

Me: “… Okay, here’s a good image. See how the cock sling fits around the shaft? And look, he’s apparently taking testosterone, too.”

And tomorrow morning, I’ll go back to my day job, where I’ll get very uncomfortable whenever a co-worker accidentally curses in an office environment.

Sometimes I worry that “leading a double life” is just a hazy way of saying I have a dissociative disorder.

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