Me: “Where did these paddles come from?”

Rok: “One of our suppliers sent them as free samples.”

Me: “Huh. They’re really kind of cool…”

Rok: “And they’re not bad quality, but…”

Me: “… the debossing is left-to-right instead of right-to-left.”

Rok: “Yeah.”

Me: “If you spanked someone with this one, their butt would read, ‘ox ox.’ It’s like a bad translation of ‘oxen.'”

Rock: “And this one would read, ‘tuls.'”

Me: “And if you used that one with your right hand, it would be upside-down, too. That seems ill-conceived. Although the ox-ox one would work correctly if you were left-handed.”

[beat]

Me: “Hey, wait a minute. I’m left-handed! You’re coming home with me, lil’ fella!”

And then I stole the paddle and ran away. Although it technically wasn’t employee theft, because it was free to begin with, and also because Rok said I could have it. Which was very magnanimous of him, considering all the other shit I’ve stolen over the past year.

[Note to Rok: KIDDING. I totally only steal from customers.]

I keep most of my paddles in a black, canvas tool bag I found at an Army surplus store, but I’m going to keep the Ox Ox in my back pocket, so that the next time someone tells me to kiss their ass (which honestly happens more often than you’d think), I can be all, “Well, if you insist…” And then merriment will ensue.

Yeah, I like this plan. I’m apparently a much better strategist than whoever designed the Tulsarizer.