Reinventing the Wheel (of the Year)

How to become the undisputed leader of a polytheistic religion in five easy steps:

1. Pick an obscure, ancient, Near Eastern or Indo-European culture, preferably one with an unknown and/or untranslated language.

2. Read a couple of books on the subject.

3. Double-check to make sure no one else has already established a Reconstructionist tradition based on the religious practices of the same culture. If such a tradition already exists, reach out to the adherents, so that you may learn from each other and enjoy fellowship and symbiotic spiritual growth.

3. Write your own book, the introduction of which must begin with “Never before…” and end with “Forgotten… until now.”

4. Create a Facebook page.

5. Destroy all who oppose you, with self-righteousness and unverifiable personal gnosis as your gleaming sword and shield.

As you may have surmised, there was an incident on the Internet, and I’m having feelings about it. I’m not going to name names or point fingers, because I’m passive-aggressive. I will however, make up a fictional recon trad and use that as the context for an actual online conversation.

Polytheistic Author/Diva/Guru: “Good morning! I’ve uploaded a calendar of the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult ritual cycle. Of course, we do not know if the Cult had a formalized ritual cycle, since the Proto-Lithuanian language has never been translated, so I’ve reworked their seasonal celebrations to align with the standard Pagan holidays.”

Group Member: “I appreciate you sharing this! I came up with something very similar when I was working on my dissertation in Proto-Lithuanian Studies, and it looks like our calendars are remarkably compatible. I do have one question, though — what led you to match the Festival of the Gelded Serpent Pony with the Fall Equinox? I ask, because back when I was collaborating on the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult Archeological Almanac, we determined that the annual stallion castrations in pre-Christian Baltic territories took place in early Spring, so I’m wondering if we missed something in our research. Thanks in advance for any clarification you can provide!”

PA/D/G: “Look, I tolerate polite dissent, but personal experience is always more valid than what any ‘academic’ has to say.”

GM: “But I didn’t… I only meant… right, then. I think I’ll just quietly unsubscribe and go play on Twitter.”

And then she left the group, and I snuck out behind her.

Drunken, Wiccan Pit Bull Me would’ve lost his shit over the whole thing and thrown a few uncalled-for punches before flouncing out the door. But I’m older and wiser calmer now, and I understand that snarling at some swollen-headed douche-nozzle isn’t going to change anyone’s mind or make any kind of real difference. Instead, I choose to focus on gratitude over resentment. For example, I am grateful for the members of a different virtual forum, whose conversations go something like this:

New Group Member: “Hello! Can anyone recommend an introductory book on the Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult?”

Group Owner: “Sure! There are a lot of good resources out there, but I suggest starting with either The Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult Definitely Had a Formalized Ritual Cycle and This Is It, or The Proto-Lithuanian Language Is Really Easy to Translate, on Account of It’s Basically Just Prussian with Three Extra Vowels. I hope this helps!”

It does help, Mr. Welcoming and Accessible Proto-Lithuanian Unicorn Cult Reconstruction Guy. Mightily does it help indeed.

6 thoughts on “Reinventing the Wheel (of the Year)

  1. END THEM IN THE NAME OF THE ONE TWUE UNICORN CULT!!!
    What? I’ll be there as soon as I go grab my pitchfork. You gotta shovel poop before you join an angry mob.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve said this in other comments on other blogs posting about roughly the same kind of nonsense, but it always bears repeating: Shit like this is why I remained solitary for so long.

    And, there’s nothing wrong with being a solitary practitioner, but it’s still important to reach out and connect with each other, to learn from each other’s experiences. Crap like this pushes would-be students out of the community as a whole, which leads to uneducated or mis-educated young Pagans/witches/polytheists/Heathens/etc… When people are un- or mis-educated, we end up with more idiots talking out their asses on the internet, which pushes more potential students out, which creates more idiots, in a vicious, stupid, self-righteous cycle.

    Like

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