That Was the Theme of My Heroin

The best part about eating out with sober friends is that we’re rowdy and raucous and remorselessly unfiltered (the result of too many searching/fearless moral inventories), which causes other restaurant patrons to assume we’re drunk. That is, until they glance over judgmentally and realize we’re all drinking water. And then they get very confused. And that brings me joy.

Such was the case when a group of us descended upon a local café to feast upon unspeakably good pizza and make the other diners uncomfortable. My buddy B. and I had just finished loudly debating which one of us has the most Machiavellian mother (he won), when F. launched into a detailed description of the colorful patients she encounters at the rehab where she facilitates weekly support meetings.

“The heroin addicts are kind of a challenge,” she admitted. “It’s almost as if they’re daring everyone else to be more addicted to something than they are. It’s like, ‘My drug of choice was… heroin.’” She glared defiantly for effect. “Like that.”

The way she said “… heroin” got stuck in my head like a bad pop song, and now I want to throw it into casual conversations (even more so than I already do), similar to the classic “that’s what she said,” or how my friend K. likes to respond to random observations with, “That was the theme of my prom.” For example:

“The weatherman said to expect freezing rain.”

“That was the theme of my prom.”

“I was so sad when The Vampire Diaries got cancelled.”

“That was the theme of my prom.”

“What do you think? Bangs or no bangs?”

“That was the theme of my prom.”

So yeah, I basically want to do the same thing, except with “… heroin.” Granted, I never went chasing the dragon myself, but I’m a big fan of bewilderment in any form, and I’d really like to see this turn into a cultural meme:

“I think my antihistamines are wearing off.”

“Really? Because I think my… heroin is wearing off.”

“I couldn’t find my car keys this morning.”

That’s weird, because I couldn’t find my… heroin this morning.

“Would you like to sample an appetizer?”

“No, thank you. Would you like to sample… heroin?”

I ran the concept by a co-worker, who smiled sadly and left the room, so I’m starting to suspect this is one of those times where nobody thinks I’m funny but me. But you know what? I’m completely okay with that. If no one laughs when I say “… heroin,” I’ll just do what I always do in awkward social situations and scream, “I’M IN RECOVERY” until people give up and pity me. As professional alcoholic W. C. Fields once quipped, “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshitheroin.” And that, Marjorettes, was the theme of my prom.

2 thoughts on “That Was the Theme of My Heroin

  1. Gievn that G and I have started referring to cigarettes as heroin in an attempt to make ouselves quit smoking (it just happened, roll with it), I am behind this 100%

    Liked by 1 person

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