Verily in the Name of the Most Peaceful Siddhārtha Gautama Do I Smite Your Ass

Maybe it’s because I grew up watching cartoons like Transformers and M.A.S.K., but I’ve always been fascinated by everyday things that morph organically or mechanically into other things. So imagine my delight when I was doodling around on Amazon and came across the following:

To be clear, this is a mala — a set of prayer beads traditionally used for Buddhist or Hindu meditation — which can be quickly repurposed to pound an assailant into grits. And while that alone was more than enough to make me slam the Buy Now button, the product description went above and beyond to seal the deal:

Capable of demolishing a zip-top can and blessed by eminent monks?! It’s like two Diwalis this year!

While I certainly hope I never find myself in a situation where I’d have to use it to defend myself, it is otherwise the perfect accessory to wear to the Texas All-State Spanking Party in June, which, by the by, I’m totally forcing Rok to attend with me. I’m going to feel like a James Bond and/or Quentin Tarantino character when, during a demo, I mindfully unwind the beads from my wrist and run them slowly through my fingers in a moment of quiet contemplation, then haul back and go medieval on my play partner’s cakes before delivering the coup de grâce with my trusty Notarizer.

This is going to be the best kinkster conference ever. I’ll post pictures after I get a standing ovation. Or after Rok has to set something on fire to create a diversion while I flee the building. Whichevs.

ETA: Nuke is now coming with us. This road trip just went from “let’s have an adventure” to “let’s ask the producers if we can play ourselves in the movie.”