Odoriferous Reinforcement

Customer: “Do you carry poppers?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Do you carry solvents?”

Me: “Right this way!”

I’m slowly getting them trained.

Say It With Covers

Nasty-Pig-Reflector-Logo-Snapback-8132-Black-F__07970.1506031726.500.750Customer 1: [brandishing a Nasty Pig baseball cap featuring their iconic snout logo] “You need this.”

Customer 2: [pointing at said logo accusingly] “No! I know what that means.”

Customer 1: “Oh, really? What does it mean?”

Customer 2: “I don’t have to tell you.”

Customer 1: “No, tell me. What does it mean?”

Customer 2: “You know what it means, and I’m not going to wear it.”

Customer 1: [to me] “Children these days. How are we supposed to educate them?”

I didn’t have the heart to tell them that wearing a Nasty Pig baseball cap means, “I’m wearing a Nasty Pig baseball cap.” I mean, I guess you could go all hanky code with the color choices, but otherwise, the only message you’re sending is “I bought a gay hat.”

Adopting Standards

Customer. “Well, hello!”

Me: “Hi!”

Customer: “Are you for sale?”

[Inner Me: Did he just call me a hooker?]

Me: “I am off the market.”

Customer: “Is that negotiable?”

Me: “Alas, it is not.”

Customer: “That’s a shame.”

[Inner Me: The fuck it is.]

Me: [neutral smile]

Customer: “You’re probably too young for me anyway. How old are you?”

Me: “I’m 42.”

Customer: “Oh, my God, you’re a baby.”

Me; “Uh… thank you?”

Customer: “My youngest son is your age.”

Me: “Ah. Well, then.”

Customer: “Oh! We could be incestuous!”

And now I will never get “Dueling Banjos” out of my head. Thanks a lot, bad dad.

Notary Portent

Signing Agent Instructor: “A notice of right to cancel will only be included if the borrower is refinancing his or her primary residence.”

Me: “I’m not sure if this is the right career path for me.”

Signing Agent Instructor: “So this one time I was doing a signing at a Taco Bell, and I spilled my Coke all over the documents.”

Me: “This is without a doubt the right career path for me.”