Customer: “Do you carry poppers?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “…”
Me: “…”
Customer: “…”
Me: “…”
Customer: “Do you carry solvents?”
Me: “Right this way!”
I’m slowly getting them trained.
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Month: September 2017
Fuck Yeah Ministerial Stockings
It just occurred to me that I could wear Nasty Pig products whenever I want and tell everyone the initials stand for Notary Public. My life will never be the same.
A Nailgun in the Spiritual Toolbox
Things I hear myself say whilst trying to be supportive:
“You know what? I’ve got an AA slogan for every fucking mood swing you throw at me, so bring it.”
It might be time to stop drinking coffee after 6 p.m.
Say It With Covers
Customer 1: [brandishing a Nasty Pig baseball cap featuring their iconic snout logo] “You need this.”
Customer 2: [pointing at said logo accusingly] “No! I know what that means.”
Customer 1: “Oh, really? What does it mean?”
Customer 2: “I don’t have to tell you.”
Customer 1: “No, tell me. What does it mean?”
Customer 2: “You know what it means, and I’m not going to wear it.”
Customer 1: [to me] “Children these days. How are we supposed to educate them?”
I didn’t have the heart to tell them that wearing a Nasty Pig baseball cap means, “I’m wearing a Nasty Pig baseball cap.” I mean, I guess you could go all hanky code with the color choices, but otherwise, the only message you’re sending is “I bought a gay hat.”
Tossed with Awesome
[Ed. Note: I’d ordered dinner from my favorite Lebanese place and was chowing down on a delicious fattoush salad when this customer came in.]
Customer: “May I try some things on?”
Me: “Of course.”
Customer: “IN FRONT OF YOUR SALAD?!”
ME: “WELL PLAYED!!”
And then he bought the pink and/or coral harness. It was pretty much the best evening ever.
Adopting Standards
Customer. “Well, hello!”
Me: “Hi!”
Customer: “Are you for sale?”
[Inner Me: Did he just call me a hooker?]
Me: “I am off the market.”
Customer: “Is that negotiable?”
Me: “Alas, it is not.”
Customer: “That’s a shame.”
[Inner Me: The fuck it is.]
Me: [neutral smile]
Customer: “You’re probably too young for me anyway. How old are you?”
Me: “I’m 42.”
Customer: “Oh, my God, you’re a baby.”
Me; “Uh… thank you?”
Customer: “My youngest son is your age.”
Me: “Ah. Well, then.”
Customer: “Oh! We could be incestuous!”
And now I will never get “Dueling Banjos” out of my head. Thanks a lot, bad dad.
Notary Portent
Signing Agent Instructor: “A notice of right to cancel will only be included if the borrower is refinancing his or her primary residence.”
Me: “I’m not sure if this is the right career path for me.”
Signing Agent Instructor: “So this one time I was doing a signing at a Taco Bell, and I spilled my Coke all over the documents.”
Me: “This is without a doubt the right career path for me.”
