Customer: “Do you carry poppers?” Me: “No.” Customer: “…” Me: “…” Customer: “…” Me: “…” Customer: “Do you carry solvents?” Me: “Right this way!” I’m slowly getting… Read more “Odoriferous Reinforcement”
Month: September 2017
Fuck Yeah Ministerial Stockings
It just occurred to me that I could wear Nasty Pig products whenever I want and tell everyone the initials stand for Notary Public. My life will… Read more “Fuck Yeah Ministerial Stockings”
A Nailgun in the Spiritual Toolbox
Things I hear myself say whilst trying to be supportive: “You know what? I’ve got an AA slogan for every fucking mood swing you throw at me,… Read more “A Nailgun in the Spiritual Toolbox”
Say It With Covers
Customer 1: [brandishing a Nasty Pig baseball cap featuring their iconic snout logo] “You need this.” Customer 2: [pointing at said logo accusingly] “No! I know what that… Read more “Say It With Covers”
Tossed with Awesome
[Ed. Note: I’d ordered dinner from my favorite Lebanese place and was chowing down on a delicious fattoush salad when this customer came in.] Customer: “May I… Read more “Tossed with Awesome”
Adopting Standards
Customer. “Well, hello!” Me: “Hi!” Customer: “Are you for sale?” [Inner Me: Did he just call me a hooker?] Me: “I am off the market.” Customer: “Is… Read more “Adopting Standards”
Notary Portent
Signing Agent Instructor: “A notice of right to cancel will only be included if the borrower is refinancing his or her primary residence.” Me: “I’m not sure… Read more “Notary Portent”
Pick Me Up
Dear customer who constantly hits on me and can’t understand why I won’t reciprocate: THIS. THIS is why I’ll never go home with you, much less ever… Read more “Pick Me Up”
Signed, Sealed, Delivery Via Flying Lion TBD
Every year, my parents ask what I want for my birthday, and every year, I tell them there’s nothing I really want or need. And every year… Read more “Signed, Sealed, Delivery Via Flying Lion TBD”
Don’t Bother. I’ll Write Myself Up.
[Carlisle often keeps me company when I work on Sundays. We were complaining to each other last night about how boring of an evening it had been… Read more “Don’t Bother. I’ll Write Myself Up.”
