At Least He Was Happy to See Me

Customer: [bounding into the store] “HELLO, SWEETHEART!!!”

And then he bounded out of the store.

Why they always gotta yell?

FINE. Here’s a post-credits bonus scene, okay?

After Monday’s post about the customer who thought I was straight, a bunch of my friends reached out and were like, “Was he cute? Do you like him? Are you going to see him again? What’s up with the cliffhanger? Why are you holding out on us, you monster?!” I’d rather not have anyone lose their mind over something so trivial (“You’re going to snap over whether or not a customer asked me out? In front of my salad?”), so let me simmer things down with a few points of clarification.

1. The customer was trashed. I mean, I’m flattered that he found me attractive and all, but still (take note, future gentlemen callers), hanging onto my counter with a death grip to keep from falling into a wall does not set my insides a-fluttering.

2. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m already seeing someone. His name is Danny. He’s very nice. In fact, here’s a picture of us at a Village People concert:

MJ-DT-VP (1)

3. Trashed, you guys. Have you ever heard somebody speak in cursive? I have.

4. Even if I was interested in him, I would never date a customer for one specific reason: There is no stockroom. I know that sounds weird, but let’s say we do go out, and the relationship ends on a sour note. I would have absolutely no place to hide if he and his henchmen ever moseyed into the store to condemn me as a two-dollar whore or whatever.

5. Oh, actually, there’s another reason why I’d never date a customer: They can’t keep a damn secret to save their lives. I have learned so much about past employees from the customers they dated and/or did the horizontal mambo with that I could write at least two unauthorized biographies and the screenplay of a Lifetime original movie.

I hope that satisfies everyone’s curiosity regarding [in the voice of Paul Harvey] the rest of the story. I’ll let you know if he wanders in again for another round of “seriously, you’re awesome,” but in the meantime, I’ll tell Danny you said hello.

The Solicitor Is Not Always Right

Owner: [to the entire staff] “Guys, please remember that sexual acts are not allowed in the store. I recently had a customer tell me that the last time he came in, he got a really good blowjob.”

Me: “Well, it certainly wasn’t me. I’ve never gotten a good blowjob here.”

Owner: [stony silence]

Wrong answer, apparently.

Ed. Note: The space that now houses the Montrose Forge has gone through a number of incarnations. A previous proprietor took a very [cough] hands-on approach to customer appreciation, so we occasionally get patrons salaciously asking what other services might be available. Fortunately, one of our vendors sent us these cute little promotional safe sex kits, so I can toss a few of those in their bags and be all, “There ya go! Happy to be of service.”

Side note to self: Download the sound of a sad trombone to play whenever I make a customer’s face fall.