I’m Not a Heterosexual, but I Play One on Logo

Customer: “You’re really cool.”

Me: “Aww, thank you.”

Customer: “Seriously. I mean it.”

Me: “That’s very kind of you to say.”

Customer: “You’re awesome. And gorgeous!”

[Inner Me: Drink up, lushy.]

Me: “Well, thank you again.”

Customer: “I wish you were gay.”

Me: “Um… what?”

Customer: “You’re so cool. I wish you were gay.”

Me: “I am gay.”

Customer: “Wait… you are?”

Me: [glancing about, confirming surroundings] “I am indeed.”

Customer: “YOU’RE GAY?!”

Me: “Extremely so.”

Customer: “YOU’RE GAY!!! THAT’S AWESOME!!!”

Me: “I agree!”

I’ve never been comfortable with the internalized homophobia exhibited by gay men who describe themselves as “straight-acting,” but if I ever have a valid reason to get back on the dating/hookup apps, I am going to add “mistaken for heterosexual by overly-enthusiastic, besotted twentysomethings” to my profile. I can only assume that will get me some of those “woofs” the kids are so crazy about these days.

PS: I told my friend Robert about this interaction, and he was like, “So… I guess he didn’t hear you talk?” Robert just got a woof deducted from his total. I don’t make the rules, Robert.

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